spiderbraids

To an electronic fanfare, a soda fountain turns on, and a Sugar Rush blimp is flying above the racetrack. It's time for the random roster race, and the candy crowd is very excited. We get a sight gag of assorted fans with nuts :-) Pretty boy Rancis adjusts his mirror :-) and we're shown the scoreboard labelling Vanny as a no-show, and the karts all lined up at the starting line waiting for the race to start. (Interestingly, there are only 14 of them, even though discounting Vanny's, there should be 15 :-/)

King Candy: "My sweet subjects, I can without a pinch of hesitation assure you that I have never been so happy in all my life to say the following words: Let the Random Roster Race commence!"

The king opens up a slide from his box straight to his kart, and we get a twirl shot straight out of Mario Kart as the race starts... and they're off! We see the kart race off past the candy populace of Sugar Rush towards the first part of the course...

Meanwhile, Vanny and her kart, plus Ralph and Felix are arriving at the starting line just now, and Ralph reminds her: "Remember, you don’t have to win! Just cross that finish line, and you’ll be a real racer." Vanny: "I’m already a real racer!" Vanny stops briefly near the line to drop off Felix and Ralph, before adding: "And I'm going to win." Good luck with that, as Vanny races over her starting spot, and puts her name on the board.

Okay, the first part of the course involves gumballs being rolled at the racers from gumball machines. We see one of the racers get balled out, while another runs into a sugar cube... It's a power up, and for this particular racer, it's an ice cream cone, which she fires at King Candy but ends up hitting a racer driving a cherry pie, leading to a rather obvious but hilarious sight gag :-D King Candy runs into another sugar cube, spawning a big "sweet seeker" gun and shoots out the 3 racers ahead of him, including the one who tried to shoot the ice cream at him, hurling her into one of the gumball machines... SMASH!

Meanwhile, Vanny is climbing up the leaderboard to 7th place, as she uses her mad drifting skills to avoid the gumballs before hitting a big speed strip and hurtling herself ahead of one racer, and then just plain overtaking another racer ("Behind you :-) ... In front of you :-)") on her way to a big layer cake.

On the big layer cake, Vanny is coming up on Rancis, Candlehead, and Taffyta. Rancis notices the glitch in his side mirror and yells at the girls. Taffyta has Candlehead light up the cherries on the side of the course (using the sparklers on the side of her birthday cake themed car :-)) and they turn out to be cherry bombs. Vanny gets into gear to try to outrace the explosions, but the explosions are close enough to cause her to repeatedly glitch, threatening to make her fall off the road... Vanny struggles to keep herself together (HEH!) prompting Taffyta to repeat to her "You're just an accident waiting to happen!" Just you wait...

Vanny is still glitching like crazy as she follows the other three racers into a tunnel at the top of the cake. The three racers are laughing when they suddenly see a bright flash of light overtake them... and guess who that is? They're so startled by Vanny's sudden appearance (Vanny herself is startled as well :-D) that they start losing control of their karts and end up falling into a giant cupcake, while Vanny makes a really huge jump (driving backwards out of the tunnel, I might add :-)) on to the roadway on the other side. While Taffyta is crying and Candlehead notices that the crash has both put out and broken her candle :-D Vanny tells herself not to glitch any more. Good luck with that...

Back at the start/finish, Vanny climbs up to second on the leaderboard, and in a nice touch, her name flickers briefly. Ralph is hoping for no more surprises but he's going to get one, as Calhoun punches him in the face and tells him about the Cybug stowaway (And Felix is glad to see Calhoun again :-)) Ralph tells her that the bug drowned earlier, but then they see a ton of candy coated bugs explode out from the ground behind the bleachers, prompting Calhoun to say "Bull roar" :-D (At first I thought she was saying "Bull wrong" but whatever...) Calhoun has the candy spectators head to Game Central Station, while she gets to work shooting the bugs. As Ralph is ushering the candy out, he notices that Vanny and the king are still out on the course, and the bugs are now attracted to the finish line. Uh-oh...

Vanny is driving through a snowy ice-cream landscape, and she's coming up on King Candy... who has a hilarious slow motion reaction to Vanny overtaking him :-D So we have a chase between the two that lasts about, say, 10 seconds (with Vanny using her awesome drifting skills to stay ahead) before the king decides to take the "closed" side road, a maneuver that will be familiar to Mario Kart fans. As if that wasn't enough, Vanny continues on into a tunnel with a rainbow-colored road. Gee, I wonder...?

Okay, enough with the references, back to the plot :-) The king rides in on the side road and jumps his kart to glomp Vanny's, so that its front wheels are on his kart's front. The King's all "You shall not pass" as he props down the gas pedal with his scepter/clutch handle and takes off the stick holding up his kart's horns and starts whacking at Vanny's windshield. Vanny: "What are you, crazy?! Knock it off!"

Back at the start/finish line, Ralph is smashing up a bunch of Cybugs, when Felix directs his attention to the screen showing Vanny and the king's little tilt. The King smashes through the windshield, so Vanny quickly grabs the King's stick to stop him from whacking again (sounds a bit dirty ;-)) and starts glitching up. The King tussles with Vanny over the stick: "I'm not letting you undo all my hard work!" As he's saying this, Vanny's glitching is also glitching him up as well, just like with Taffyta, except whereas she briefly glitched into a mess of the expected pink and green pixels, the King is glitching into a mess of white and red pixels, rather than the expected purple and gold, and Ralph and Felix's reaction is of utter shock when they realize who that mess of pixels is :-0

Vanny is surprised at the King's sudden change in appearance: "What the?! Who are you??" Turbo introduces himself as the greatest racer ever, adding "I did not reprogram this world to let you, and that halitosis riddled warthog, take it away from me!!" As if that wasn't enough, while he's saying this, he flickers between his King Candy form, his Turbo form and his pixelated Turbo form, which is scary, but still not the scariest he gets...

And when you think about it, that reveal justifies little things you probably didn't even twig on, like how the King recognized Ralph instantly...

Anyways, the bad guy decides to step on the gas and flips Vanny's kart over so that he can stick her into a fork. Sounds a bit Yakov Smirnoff, but he's literally going to ram her and her kart into a big rock column splitting the road into two: "End of the line, glitch!" However, this suddenly gives her an epiphany, and she begins to concentrate...

"Come on, Vanellope, I know you said you weren't gonna do it, but you're going to do it one more time. Just focus, concentrate, and... Glitch!"

One bright flash later, Vanny and her kart are off the King's grille, upright, and driving out of the tunnel: "Sweet mother of monkey milk, I did it!" The King is in hot pursuit, until he suddenly runs himself straight into the mouth of a Cybug... Uh-oh...

The sky is darkening as Vanny is racing towards the finish, when a bunch of Cybugs burst out of the track and flip her kart into some lollipop bushes. Ralph and Felix rush over to check on her, and they see the Cybugs attacking the finish and realize they've got to get the heck out of Dodge. Calhoun ushers the racers and candy spectators past a sign saying "Parting is such sweet sorrow: Come back soon" on to another rainbow-colored road, where Ralph and Vanny come up against a new-old issue... For all the lies the King may have been giving him, he was right about one thing: The glitch can't leave the game, because she comes up against an invisible barrier that knocks her off Ralph's shoulder, then makes it look like she's pushing up against an impenetratable layer of Saran Wrap. And that's even with Ralph shoving her, so you know it's impenetratable...

Ralph looks a bit distraught as Vanny asks Ralph to go on without her (DAWW...) but then he overhears Calhoun prepping a bomb and talking about the lack of beacon for stopping the bugs, and then takes a glimpse at Diet Cola Mountain, and has an idea...

Ralph decides to takes Calhoun's hoverboard, and leave Vanny in Felix and Calhoun's custody (with Calhoun firing away at the candy bugs closing in on them), while he heads to the top of Diet Cola Mountain. The mountaintop is essentially a big plug made of Mentos, and Ralph is fixing to pummel that plug into the cola springs below when he's suddenly smacked aside by Turbo: "Welcome to the boss level!" And if that wasn't enough, remember how Cybugs become what they eat? Well, the bad guy's now taken on a really scary visage: A Cybug :-0 Turbo flickers back into the slightly better-looking King: "Because of you Ralph, I’m now the most powerful virus in the arcade. I can take over any game I want. I should thank you, but it’d be more fun to kill you."

So yeah, Ralph and the bug tussle around for a while, and the bug takes particular glee in being able to call Ralph the little guy for once :-) Eventually the bug grabs Ralph and carries him up away from the mountaintop...

Back with the others, Vanny sees Ralph get airlifted, while Calhoun is now down to just her pistol, and that runs out of ammo as well, so she has everyone fall back into the tunnel, as she takes out a knife and Felix his hammer (thus raising the question of which of these would be less effective against the approaching ginormous candy bugs ;-))... while the glitch barrier shoves Vanny out ahead of the other two.

Both the bug and Ralph are watching this situation develop, and the bug gloats: "It's game over for both of you!" Ralph notices that he's directly above the mountaintop and defiantly responds: "No... Just for me!" Ralph's ginormous arms push the bug's grip aside and he starts to drop towards the mountaintop... At the same time, Vanny starts running and decides to put that glitch to good use (wait, what?) by using it to hopscotch across the Cybugs :-0

Some of the audience (a really small ratio, mind :-)) gets Iron Giant flashbacks as the falling Ralph recites the bad guy affirmation he spurned at the beginning of the film, takes one last look at Vanny's medal, and extends his fist out to pop the mountaintop. And as he and the Mentos are falling towards the cola in extreme slow motion, one begins to realize that by embracing his true nature, he's being much more heroic than before... Pretty strong culmination to his character arc, and if gets him killed, then so be it.

Little does he realize that there's someone else doing the same thing, as some random racer's chocolate kart zooms into Diet Cola Mountain, leaving behind bright streaks as it glitches its way around the track, and awesomely catches Ralph at the wafer track jump. Vanny: "Don't worry, I got it under control! :-)"

Vanny, kart and Ralph exit the mountain via glitching through a side wall, as Mentos + hot cola = really, really big SPLOOSH!!! that releases the cola out the mountaintop in a bright stream of light, luring all the bugs, candied or otherwise, towards it. The King Candy bug is confused at why the bugs are flying towards the light until that part of the bugs' "programming" kicks in, and he blindly flies toward the cola stream, briefly flickering into Turbo a few times before getting SPLOOSHED!

The chocolate kart falls... somewhere, while Ralph and Vanny land in a puddle of choco-mud, and Ralph is utterly grateful for the chocolate breaking his fall :-D On the rainbow road, Felix is jumping for joy for Ralph pulling that scheme off (though I'm not sure how/if he can even tell Ralph isn't dead from that distance) and jumps up and gives Calhoun a kiss on the cheek. Calhoun seems a bit ticked off at this act of insubordination... but then returns the kiss on his lips, with little hearts floating around them <3 <3 :-D

DAWW...
(Disney Screencaps)

Back at the finish line, Felix is finishing up hammering the finish back into a good state, and Ralph has put Vanny back into her kart just yards from the line, as he asks if Vanny is ready for this. Vanny: "As ready as I'll ever be."

Ralph gently nudges the kart over the finish, and you know what your average viewer tends to associate with Disney and girls?... Right, princesses and magic. Well, as she crosses the line, Vanny floats out of the kart and asks: "What's with all the magic sparkles?" As the Vanny icon is connected to the rest of the game again, her outfit changes from her aqua green hoodie to a bright pink princess dress, even gaining a scepter and tiara in the process... and as she settles down onto the ground, everything else that the bugs damaged is restored to normal, with a flourish of magical sparkles. Yep, Disney found a way to organically include its sparkly magic in a film about video games ;-) The sky brightens up again as the citizens return, and the King's locked chest explodes, restoring everyone's memories...

Fun fact: I once saw this movie in a chat with fans of a certain cartoon about pastel colored equines; and when this particular bit happened, those fans started comparing her to that show's main character, who had this happen to her as well :-)

So anyways, Sour Bill still has part of the candy tree stuck on him :-D as he and everyone else remembers that Vanny is their rightful ruler, and the expression on Vanny's face as he announces this is priceless :-) The racers try to apologize for their misdeeds: Rancis tries to fob them off as jokes, and Candlehead was just doing what Taffyta told her :-)

Vanny acts all princess-like almost to the point of parody: "Tut-tut. As your merciful princess, I hereby decree that everyone who was ever mean to me and my friends shall be..." We briefly look at the others looking hopeful... "Executed." The racers' (and other characters') reactions is priceless, especially Calhoun's "Well, this place just got interesting :-)"

Vanny's just kidding, though, and she tells Taffyta to stop crying... and even more hilarious than Calhoun's reaction is Taffyta's mascara continuing to run :-D Ralph walks over to Vanny and comments: "Wow, so this is the real you, a princess..." Vanny: "Ralph, what are you, nuts? This isn’t me..."

And on that note, she glitches out of her princess outfit to reveal her aqua green hoodie again: "This is me." Ralph is confused, but Vanny reaffirms her sense of self: "Look, the code may say I’m a princess, but I know who I really am, Ralph, I’m a racer with the greatest superpower ever." Vanny demonstrates her glitching, or rather, teleportation powers, and like Rick Astley, she's never gonna give them up :-) And in the end, isn't this what the film is really about? Having a good sense of self and embracing it, that is...

The donut cops are also here, and they've got a good question: "Without a princess, who’s gonna lead us?" Vanny: "Uh, me. I’m thinking more along the lines of a constitutional democracy. President Vanellope Von Schweetz... Has a nice ring to it, don’cha think?" Hey, she sure couldn't make a worse president than Julia Louis Dreyfuss, right? :-)

Incidentally, the release date in the US was right on the week of their presidential elections. Probably just coincidence, but it does make you wonder... ;-)

So anyways, Calhoun calls out to Ralph, because the arcade's about to open. Vanny offers Ralph a room at the castle: "You’d have your own wing where no one would ever complain about your stench, or treat you bad ever again. You could be happy." Ralph: "I’m already happy. I’ve got the coolest friend in the world... And besides, I’ve got a job to do, too. It may not be as fancy as being president, but it’s my duty. And it’s a big duty." Needless to say, this prompts a slight snicker from Vanny :-D

So anyways, Ralph and Vanny share one last fistbump (wonder if we'll see that gesture again ;-)) and have a really long goodbye, during which Ralph non-chalantly calls Vanny "President Fartfeathers" :-) So we've gone from Timon having issues with Pumbaa talking about his bodily functions in Hakuna Matata... to this. Go figure.

"Not in front of the kids!"
(Oh My Disney)

Ralph boards the pod with Calhoun and Felix and they head out of Sugar Rush, while Vanny skips off with her "new" friends. Back in the arcade, the Litwak guy pulls off the Out of Order sign (strangely upright again :-) ) to find Felix back to normal, and he's very happy to say the least (Mr. Handcart Guy, not so much ;-))

We cut to Ralph at his next Bad-Anon meeting, explaining how life's been since he's started living life one game at a time... We see Ralph being thrown off the roof... in CG! And after the landing, Mary gives him a small cake saying "To our favorite bad guy", ain't that cute? He's also decided to let the homeless characters participate in a special bonus level, which we're shown Not!Honey playing, with Felix riding Q*Bert to fix the windows. I understand it wouldn't make much difference to these characters, but wouldn't that likely hasten them getting Sonic PSA'd? Which might be a problem, especially in light of the fact that "We haven't been this popular in years!"

Anyways, as the other patrons line up behind Not!Honey and leave their quarters on the screen, Ralph adds that "The gamers say we're retro, which I think means old but cool." Yeah, that sounds about right :-) He's also decided that living in the dumps wasn't working out for him, so he's built himself a shack in "East Niceland" (look at Ralph struggling to build the shack :-D), and a couple for the new guys... with Felix's help :-)

We see a wedding between Calhoun (there's your name drop right there :-)) and Felix. Now with more holy matrimony and less "Holy crap!"... with Princess Vanny and Ralph as bridesmaid and best man :-) Besides the guests from other games, we see a whole bunch of the other soldier dudes with their guns aimed directly at the window, and personally I'd like to think that unlike last time, Calhoun did do her usual perimeter check :-)

And to finish off, as we see Felix getting his medal in CG, he describes the best part of his day: "I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof, because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing." Not!Honey is playing her today, and one guess as to how she overtakes Rancis and Taffyta to win :-) "The kid's a natural, and the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would."

And as Ralph is describing this, we see Vanny receive her trophy and offer the player a fistbump, which Not!Honey obliges. Vanny waves at Ralph, and Ralph returns the wave as he leaves us with these pretty deep final words: "Turns out, I don’t need a medal to tell me I’m a good guy. ‘Cause if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?"

Wrong film, guys :-)
(YouTube)

And on that note, we get ourselves the now-obligatory closing credits "music video" (to Owl City's "When Will I See You Again?"), and Disney even drops a video game glitch over the closing logo. Well-played :-)

As mentioned at the start of the review, the film earned a lot of money at the box office and was even nominated for an Oscar. Brief talk of a sequel was actually welcomed with open arms (unlike the cheap DTV-quels of the previous decades), and I imagine Sony saw this film and wanted to get in on the action... so now we've got Happy Gilmore, Olaf, and Tyrion Lannister fighting Pacman :-/ (And I'm pretty sure that it's just coincidence that WDAS is finally starting work on the sequel right when that film is coming out ;-))

While Oscar (and the Globes, too) indirectly reinforced its stereotype of older voters by giving the more... "traditional" Brave the prize, the studio was heartened enough that they gave the film's writer, Jennifer Lee, a co-director position on their next in-house animated feature. You may have heard of it...